The Sixth Estate
Wednesday, December 22, 2004
QUOTE OF THE DAY : "I cannot believe in a God who wants to be praised all the time." - Friedrich Nietzsche

SONG OF THE DAY : The Avalanches - Frontier Psychiatry

LINK OF THE DAY : Say what you will... I'm looking forward to this movie.

The bay-trees in our country are all wither'd
And meteors fright the fixed stars of heaven;
The pale-faced moon looks bloody on the earth
And lean-look'd prophets whisper fearful change.

Jim aimed, and with one well placed shot, it was all over.

Do you remember the time in your life when you were positive Santa was real? There was absolutely no doubt in your mind that he lived at the North Pole, and came calling each Christmas with presents for you. Ah childhood, good times.

Then you got older, and came to realize that your parents had been lying to you about Santa Claus, The Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy and Snagglepuss, for most of your life up to that point.

In case there was any doubt left in your mind as to Santa Claus's existence... Here are eight reasons why Santa Claus cannot or wouldn't exist for long if he were actually real.

8. The real Saint Nicholas died almost two thousand years ago.

7. Santa Claus is immortal. However, morbid obesity sadly tends to preclude a
long life.

6. The North Pole is just ice. No magic toy kingdom up there.

5. In order to reach his gift quotas, Santa's Elves would have to work in sweat
shop like conditions 24 hours a day, 365 days a year.

4. No species of hoofed animal can fly.

3. Not everyone has a chimney... Magic be damned!

2. PHYSICS: An eminent physicist from the U.S. is quick to point out the following.

Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second -- that is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000 of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, hop back up the chimney, retrieve the sleigh, and move on to the next house.

Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, is false but we will accept for our calculations), we are now talking about 0.78 miles per household, a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc. This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, or 3000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle (the Ulysses space probe) moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second. A conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.

1. Gun-toting rednecks would invariably make some sort of bet involving beer, the winner being the first man to bag himself Santa Claus.

Show this to your child when they come to the realization that Santa Claus is a sham.
The proof is in the pudding.

In other news, I just watched The Godfather "Uncut and Uncensored" on Spike TV. They have a strange slant on what exactly qualifies as "Uncut and Uncensored". All the violence was there, but they cut out the "bad" words and nudity.

I think this is a reflection of the American ethos right now. Violence is somehow acceptable... Yet so-called bad words, and tasteful nudity from a movie made over 30 years ago is bad. It was uncut, but they dubbed the language and actually mosaic censored the nudity. I guess two guys enjoying a meal in a restaurant getting their brains shot out at point blank range is acceptable for TV. And Sonny Corleone being riddled with thousands of bullets at a toll booth is perfectly fine.

But a 4 letter word, and a pair of breasts... RUN FOR THE HILLS BOYS!

I don't get it.

- Will


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